So, earlier, in my groggy morning state I was asked to write a blog about sex. More specifically songs to have sex to. When I was younger I could never give myself a tug if music was on, something about hearing a sad, angsty guy singing was always a little distracting. However, as I aged and began having sex with real, tangible humans I realized music can really change the whole dynamic. So here is a list that started out as a purely enjoyable fun list of songs to romp-a-roo to and quickly became a glimpse into my psyche. Too many rat fetuses coated in sweaty dust up there me thinks. What?!!? I don't know...
With that rant I bring you, SIX SONGS TO LISTEN TO WHILE HAVING SEX:
FUNKADELIC - I GOT A THING, YOU GOT A THING, EVERYBODY'S GOT A THING
"I got a thing, you got a thing, everybody's got a thing." Well, I'm sold and you should be too! This is for wild, riotous sex. It will get your heart pumping and your sexual imagination reaching new carnal levels. The kind of sex you have after a night of partying and are functioning enough for an evening of humping. Starts off nice and funky and later evolves into a blasting of sheer primal energy. Your sexual performance will not compete with the song itself but it may trick your partner into thinking you are a good energetic lay. I can't express enough how absolutely amazing this song is and how intense the sex would be with this blasting through your speakers. I see distant dogs howling, jealous neighbours scoffing and legs and arms all over the place. Get on this and don't be afraid to try that new trick out. BLASTING! BLASTING! BLASTING! The sweet inner and outer beauty of raw animalistic fornication!
THE CRAMPS - WHAT'S INSIDE A GIRL
Dirty, unexpected friend sex (no strings attached. REALLY!). What's inside a girl? Well get in and find out, shitheads. Feel that sex flem! Climb the walls of life. Slide yourself into the world of goo! (no, not the game, Nerds, the real world of goo).
JEFF BUCKLEY - EVERYBODY HERE WANTS YOU
For some soft sensual love making. That's right, love-making. From my experience (my dainty, flaky, uneducated experience) Jeff makes women melt. And let's face it, he makes any honest straight man question his sexuality too. Sometimes I like to pretend I'm making love to him while this song is on. What? This is supposed to be about the lady, the love, the perfect moments that are sex. Listen, the bottom line is if this doesn't ooze hot fleshy goodness from you I don't know what would. So if you can't feel this you are probably paying no attention to the needs and desires of your lover. This is how everybody should view their significant other. I mean that!
A side note: If you have ever seen the film Pump Up The Volume starring Christian Slater then you know the sexy scene in the movie. You know, where the girl takes her top off outside. (My teenager-self masturbation favourite!) Anyway, the song that plays there is a song I am yet to have the pleasure of lovemaking to. One day. If you don't know what i'm talking about here is the scene:
HERBIE HANCOCK - WATERMELON MAN
For some good, lengthy, funky sex (if the man can handle the 10 minutes). And If he can, you're in for a good little journey. From full on funk to the subtly soulful, this song will take you on a nice ride. Another plus is that the beat isn't 190 beats per minute, so you don't have to be extremely fit to pull it off. You just gotta ride the groove like a wave. I like to throw in some off beat elements when I'm working my stuff, I sometimes try to replicate the guitar sound with quick bursts of pull in, pull out. It never really sounds like anything but hot corn on the cob penetrating a stick of butter. Nevertheless, try this on for size and see how it fits. Better than any condom i'd imagine. Get in touch with your inner blackness! Be the groove!
TOM WAITS - HOIST THAT RAG
You've been drinking for days. The ashtrays are full. Lots of shit has been happening. And it hasn't been good. This is animals bucking! This is a hazy afternoon lay. You don't care about the person, they don't care about you. This is a meat war. The "I see no point to refuse sex," sex. The foreplay consists of yellow nicotine fingers crawling around looking for a hole to make barely wet enough for full on penetration. Oh and don't forget you hate yourself. He hates himself. She hates herself. I hate myself. The world and your life are dragging like a decaying slug along a Nevadian dirt road. Sometimes life really is a hole. . . . Am I the only person who's had this sex?
LEONARD COHEN - CHELSEA HOTEL NO. 2
For the old, exhausted relationship. The one where both parties have had to sacrifice their self esteems in order to keep things going. Where, after the sexual passions have subsided you are both left realizing there is nothing but two lonely bastards sitting in the cold lake of wishful thinking. This is often where apathy to all things begins to develop. One of life's many curses. Ugh, I'm aching just thinking about it. May you never have this sex.
I know, I know. You now have no interest in sleeping with me. Be that as it may, I'd still try to stick it in you.
Yours untruly, the mule
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