FIVE ACTION MOVIES FROM 2011 THAT LOOK RIDICULOUS ENOUGH TO PROBABLY NOT SUCK

Ah, action movies. Testosterone-fueled bloodbaths that kick you squarely in the balls until you vomit up your own semen – but in a good way. And to the max.

Audiences the world over seem to have a love/hate relationship with action movies. That is to say, men love them and women (generally) hate them. Action movies as a genre seem to be very male-dominated, highlighting the simple things in life men hold in their esteem above all else: big guns, big explosions, and big…guns. You know. The female kind.

So, in honor of our collective obsession with violence, fire, and the occasional witty
(if not completely unnecessary) quip, let’s take a look into the future to see what
Hollywood has in store for us.

Action movie wise.

Yeah.


HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN

Set for a spring 2011 release, “Hobo With A Shotgun” started life as a fake trailer
in Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez’s “Grindhouse.” Originally meant as
a joke sandwiched between Rodriguez’s “Planet Terror” and Tarantino’s “Death
Proof” (which was also a bit of a joke), the deliciously over-the-top parody of 70s
exploitation films took on a life of its own – and both the concept and the execution
proved to be infinitely more intriguing than either of the actual features that
book-ended “Grindhouse”. Like “Machete”, another fake trailer that was itself turned
into a ridiculous feature long film by Rodriguez, “Hobo With a Shotgun” will
soon be reborn as an honest-to-goodness full-length movie, once again starring the
indomitable Rutger Hauer as the title transient.

When you think murderous homeless person, you think Rutger Hauer.

Wikipedia's plot write-up for the “ film” goes something like this – “ Hobo With a Shotgun concerns a homeless man (Rutger Hauer) who becomes a violent, shotgun-wielding vigilante upon entering a crime-ridden city.”

And if that, combined with this in-your-face trailer of nonstop wtf-ness, doesn’ t convince you this movie must be viewed post haste, nothing will.

DEATH RACE 2

Death Race 2 is actually the third Death Race movie – following in the footsteps
of the original, Death Race 2000, and the 2008 remake simply titled Death
Race. Labeled as a prequel to both movies, it promises to show the origins of
the “Frankenstein” character, a Death Racer originally played by David Carradine,
and then inexplicably by Jason Statham in the remake.

"I'm mediocre!"

All of this information is pretty much completely useless, by the way, as the plot of
any movie named Death Race is pretty much secondary to its main focus – racing
cars and blowing them up, real good.

Even in picture form it's glorious!

The latest foray into the wonderful and violent world of death racing promises
more of the same – but with a surprisingly strong cast that normally wouldn’t be
assembled for a direct-to-DVD film. The original featured David Carradine and Sly
Stallone; the remake had Statham, the awesome Ian McShane, and somehow the
great Joan Allen headlining it. The DVD prequel doesn’t disappoint either, with death
racers and death racing enthusiasts played by Sean Bean, Ving Rhames, and
the badassedly awesome Danny Trejo (who has never once disappointed me given his innate abilities to be awesomely badass in everything he’s ever appeared in).

While it won’t win any Oscars (not that the Oscars are really the high bar of quality they used to be) it looks to be a pretty enjoyable romp nonetheless – and much higher quality than your usual direct-to-DVD fare. There's also a pretty badass online game for the movie as well - inexplicably with higher production values than most direct-to-DVD movies. So this movie's gotta be good.


DRIVE ANGRY 3D

This movie looks absolutely terrible. And amazing. But mostly terrible.

Which makes it amazing. Trust me on this.

Nicolas Cage has, for reasons completely unknown, spent the last decade or so
completely tearing down the respectable career he’d built up for himself in the
90s, and reshaping it into something that straddles the line between pathetic and

pathetically hilarious.

"I'm Nicolas Cage! I'm a National Treasure!"

Nick returns with a vengeance in Drive Angry 3D (apparently Drive Pissed 3D
and Drive Upset Because You’re Having a Difficult Time Balancing One of Those
Cardboard Coffee Trays On Your Lap 3D were already taken) as a dude,
returned from the dead to kill another dude for killing his daughter. Or something.

Like this, except...actually, EXACTLY like this.

The great William Forsythe (who, unlike Nicolas Cage actually IS above this stuff)
co-stars, along with some hot southern chick, and Nicolas Cage’s increasingly
terrifying hair – which promises to steal the show simply by somehow being more
insane than the rest of Nicolas Cage could ever hope to be. (And that’s saying
something).

It's learning...

Here’s the trailer. Judge for yourselves, but trust me on this – drunk, with some
good friends and some kind of Cage based drinking game, this movie’s going to be a
helluva lot of fun.

REAL STEEL

They’ve made rock ‘em sock ‘em robots into a feature length film! And Hugh
Jackman’s in it! Quick, everybody! Watch!

COWBOYS & ALIENS

Unlike some movies on this list (I’m looking at you, crazy Nicolas Cage hair) this one
promises to be not only completely badass – but also pretty damn good. Based on
the graphic novel by Scott Mitchell Rosenberg, this movie manages to be the first
movie in history (that I’m aware of, anyways) to combine cowboys with bloodthirsty
extraterrestrials – a concept that, in retrospect, seems like a fucking no-brainer.

HOLY SHIT.

Directed by Jon Favreau (hot on the heels of Iron Man) the movie features a Sunday-morning-brunch-buffet-sized cast dripping with steaming hot badassery garnished
with a side of awesome, and topped off with a mammoth cup of “holy fucking
shit” that comes with the meal free of charge.

Daniel Craig, Sam Rockwell, Clancy Brown, Keith Carradine and Harrison Goddamn
Ford take the reins in what promises to be an epically gorgeous display of brutal
eye-rape that will leave you breathless and unwilling to call the police because – guess what, bitch? You kind of enjoyed it.

Oh. Yeah.

So there you have it, folks. Some shit to look forward to in the coming year, before we’re all horribly killed in the inevitable Apocalypse.

Which will probably somehow still manage to feature Nicolas Cage. Or happen because of him.

You can read Lu Galasso semi-regularly at Inching Towards Mediocrity - usually with considerably less use of the word "badass".