Top Five Actors Who Should Never Have Been Musicians - posted by Alex James

Welcome back, dear readers, to another captivating instalment of Turning Down The Suck featuring your favourite guest writer, Alex James (you know it's true).

This morning, while I scoured the internet for amusing content to write about, I had an interesting conversation with Lu Galasso over at Inching Towards Mediocrity. We were discussing the nature of artistic talent, and he wondered aloud why so many successful actors and actresses in this day and age seem to believe that just because they're good on screen (or at least financially successful thespians) means they're entitled to shoehorn themselves into a recording career. Upon reflection I had to agree with him: while they're both “artistic” pursuits, acting and singing haven't been synonymous for probably decades. Sure, guys like Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin could do it, but those guys form the basis of what we define as “cool”, so that's a pretty high bar to set for today's lackluster “talent”.

Unfortunately, in the present day, the prevalence of post-production engineering software like ProTools allows even the worst of us to sound passable through the speakers. But no amount of EQ fooling about can mask a distinct lack of talent in today's round-up, featuring my personal top five actors or actresses who should never have been allowed into a studio.

Before I get to the good part (the castigation you've come to know and love) I'll preface it by saying there are a few artists you're not going to see on this list. While I think we can all agree “Will2K” was unfathomably embarrassing, the Fresh Prince got his start as a musician, not an actor, so he doesn't make the cut (also, “Parents Just Don't Understand” was awesome, so I'd feel bad giving him shit for his later efforts). No, this list is dedicated to people who “made it” as on-screen performers before they made the ill-informed decision to go into the studio. Ready? Good. Here we go. In no particular order:

Bill Paxton, “Martini Ranch”

As an actor, Bill Paxton's career has been remarkably noteworthy: he's been appearing on screen since the early 80s, the highlight of which my generation will remember as his iconic performance as Private William “Game Over Man” Hudson in James Cameron's Aliens. Other performances of some distinction include storm-chaser Bill Harding in Twister and love interest Simon in True Lies. I like all three of those movies, and I like Paxton on screen.

What I don't like is Paxton in the studio. His two-man outfit Martini Ranch, formed in 1982 with singer/guitarist Andy Rosenthal, has been compared to Devo in terms of sound, but frankly the few tracks I managed to sit through without clawing off my ears embodied everything I hated about mid-80s new wave pop. Check out this unbelievably over-budgeted music video for the “hit” song “Reach”, from the EP of the same name (thanks to correspondent James “Jimmy-Jim” Herbert for the video link):

If you managed to watch the entire thing, I tip my imaginary cap to you, because I got bored around the same time the song finally started. The video tries desperately to tell a story – I guess “Thriller” was still fresh in everyone's minds, because Bill and Andy pulled out all the stops on “Reach”, even going so far as to hire James “I'm The King Of The World” Cameron to direct it – but in a battle royale between Jackson's zombie backup dancers and Bill's ambiguous Deadwood-meets-Culture-Club pseudo-actors, my money's on the Moon-walking dead (too soon?).

Oh, and did anybody else notice Bill's incredible teeth? That's either several thousand dollars worth of dental work, or else his biological parents were Tom Cruise and a shark.

And an interesting aside: they're making a musical (called “Musical”) to be directed by Carl Weathers, coming to a direct-to-DVD bin near you this year. Sort of like Frailty.

Lindsay Lohan, Solo Artist

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Does anybody else remember that sweet, demure young lady who befriended a wayward Volkswagen all those years ago? Actually I just looked it up on Wikipedia; apparently “all those years ago” translates to “five years ago” - Hollywood's ability to chew up and spit out young starlets with such incredible efficiency never ceases to amaze me. And further – what the hell is wrong with Disney? What monstrous designs are wrought in the Magic Kingdom that bring about the kind of Beauty-to-Beast transformations we've seen in Lohan and her ilk? Something is rotting in the state of Mickey, I tell you that much.

Interestingly, much of Lohan's “musical” career revolves around her constant run-ins with the paparazzi. Here's a tip Lindsay: if you don't want people spreading “Rumors” about you, maybe you ought to lay off the coke and Cristal every now and again.

As with the last one, if you managed to get more than a minute into this uber-pop club-a-dub-dub shit festival, I applaud you. Ironically.

According to a recent press release, Lohan isn't going to stop until she becomes a legitimate pop star, whatever the hell that means. In fact, she's even recorded a song to that effect, cleverly titled “Can't Stop, Won't Stop” which was recently “leaked” to the internet. She denies leaking it herself, but let me be the millionth person to call bullshit on that obvious press op. Heads up Lindsay: if you wanted to record a decent album, you should have done it before you went to rehab – albums always come out better when you're messed up. Don't believe me? Ask Mick Jagger, if you can keep yourself from leaping gamely on his Jumping Jack Flash for five seconds.

Bruce Willis, Solo Artist

Of all the actors on this list, I didn't see John McClane on it. Apparently I was wrong: action man Willis, like honourable mentions Kevin Costner and Keanu Reeves, has also dipped his toe in the Pool of Bad Ideas and released not one, but two albums. And a best-of. How you can do a Greatest Hits record (pithily entitled “Classic Bruce Willis”) when you've only released two albums? Two cover albums, no less? The great George Carlin once said that white people have no business singing the blues – it's their job to give people the blues, not to have them – and I tend to agree. Listening to Willis stumble soullessly through the Motown classic “Respect Yourself” was almost as embarrassing as his performance in Armageddon. Almost. See for yourself:

If he mixes drinks as shoddily as he sings that song, not even I would drink at that bar. How about you respect yourself, Bruce, and never do this again?

The worst part is Bruce once showed promise as a musician, or at least as a kitschy William Shatner-esque musical parody. Anybody ever see Hudson Hawk? His rendition of “Swinging on a Star” is still in my head, ten years after seeing the movie for the first time. Stick to covering Bing Crosby and maybe we'll talk, but for the love of your remaining hair, leave Motown alone.

Paris Hilton, Solo Artist

Two-point-three million copies sold. Aside from the sky rolling up like a scroll and four fellows on horses showing up, I'd say that's as clear a sign as any that we're in the End of Days. You can fill in your own Whore of Babylon joke here (highbrow humor alert!), but I think we can all agree that in terms of Being Famous For Nothing, Paris “That's Hot” Hilton tops the list.

But Being Famous For Nothing isn't easy. It's hard to find something to stick with – and therefore Paris has tried her hand at more jobs than lovers (ooh, snap) – she's gone from model to actress to singer with a host of other projects in between including a book deal of all things. Yeah, I was pretty shocked too, until I found out it was an autobiography, which basically involves a ghostwriter sitting down to listen to a few days of her whore-ramble before transcribing it into something vaguely literary, probably with a pink cover, and selling it for an outlandish price to vacuous wannabe socialites. And the cycle starts anew. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.

Take “Stars are Blind”, the hit single from her debut album Paris: an abysmal blend of dance-hall sentiments, saccharine pitch correction and reggae. Yeah, you heard me.

Bob Marley is spinning in his grave so fast, they're going to find his corpse in China. I didn't think I'd heard it before, but upon listening to the track for this article, I suddenly recalled being subjected to it when it came out in 2006; I can only assume I went out and dosed myself with rohypnol to erase the ear-rape from my memory, leaving me groggy with only a vague sense of having been aurally violated.

Why, why, why do people keep falling for this shit? At least other pop stars can hold claim to being marginally attractive: this woman looks like somebody stuck a Barbie doll in Omri's magic cupboard (obscure literary reference) and then dumped the result in a vat of fake tanner, hair dye and entitlement. In fact, the only picture of Paris I've ever been able to find even vaguely arousing was this one:

and for that I have a middle-management position in Hell reserved for me. Don't worry; if there's any justice in the afterlife, Paris will be getting me coffee for eternity to make up for all the years she should have been doing just that on Earth. Get the fuck out of the studio and learn to type, you evil harlot.

Jada Pinkett-Smith, “Wicked Wisdom”

Rounding out our list is one of the more curious examples of poor studio decision-making I encountered in my research: Jada Pinkett-Smith, better known as Mrs. Fresh Prince. Yes, I can definitely see why Will2K married this gem: she does all the same things he does (acting, music, etc.), except she sucks at all of them. When Will Smith wakes up one morning to find that he's finally been rendered culturally irrelevant, he can at least take solace in the fact that he's still superior to the woman brushing her teeth beside him in the bathroom.

In addition to her stunningly mediocre acting (to be fair she looks good beside Keanu Reeves – then again, who doesn't?) she also fronts a stunningly mediocre heavy metal band called Wicked Wisdom. The best way I can describe it? Amy Lee fucked Janet Jackson and they had a miscarriage. Don't believe me? Check this out:

Thank you Jada; I am, in fact, bleeding all over you. From my ears.

The amazing part is Ozzfest head Sharon Osbourne found something redeeming about this decidedly boring, pedestrian act and decided to put them on the OzzFest lineup in 2005, much to the chagrin of OzzFest fans, many of whom showed up to the band's performance just to turn their backs to the stage. Granted, they were probably there to see Korn, so their musical taste is already suspect, but when Korn is the lesser of two evils, you know you're experiencing a very special kind of hell.

To paraphrase Dylan Moran, this sounds like a million fire engines chasing ten million ambulances through a war zone, and it made the empty chair next to me hemorrhage.

Oh, and did I mention they played eight dates in 2004 opening for Britney Spears? I. Rest. My. Case.

What Did We Learn?

Simply put, trying to find existing celebrities who foray into music and achieve some degree of success is like trying to find the cleanest part of a dirty ass. Thankfully, a few surprisingly-decent performers lent some credence to the idea that a Jack (or Jill) of all trades still exists in today's fetishized celebrity culture.

A lot of you might have been expecting to see Steven Seagal on my list – in fact, he was the first one I wrote down. And then I listened to some of his band's work, and I was shocked: not only is it slickly-produced and well-written, the Man of Peace Who's Ready For War can actually sing. I'm sure if he pushed his vocals beyond his half-octave range he'd sound patently silly, but he knows just where to stay to make himself come off legit. If you want to renew some of your faith in the “best and brightest” of entertainment, here's the music video to Steven Seagal's runaway hit* “Girl, It's All Right”. Maybe, just maybe, it is.

[*purely conjecture]

Alex James is the head writer at State of Affairs and can regularly be found singing show tunes in his shower being a bad-ass rock star on stages across Toronto and the world.

Six Hilarious Comedy Musicians - Posted by Alex James

Not too many readers know this about me, but I spend a fair amount of my time offline and on stage. I've been a musician for years, but in my experience it's much harder (and therefore much more rewarding) to make people laugh than to make them feel all kinds of fluffy emotions like love or heartbreak. My Baby's Gone is kind of played out at this point, thank you to pop country for that.

So I married both my loves (playing music and making people laugh) with a healthy dose of narcissism and started a guitar comedy outfit. We're getting pretty good as the shows pile up, but you can't know where you're going unless you know where you're coming from, and the following five artists still trump everything and anything I've done so far. And, if any of you five are reading this, I'm available to open shows. Just sayin'.

JOHNATHON COULTAN – FIRST OF MAY



Most people have never heard of Jonathan Coulton outside purist nerd culture – he's best known for writing the song “Still Alive” for the credits of the hugely popular video game “Portal”, but he's also an accomplished stand-up guitar comedian. His background as a computer programmer and graduate of Yale University's math program makes him suited to write about those topics in his music (“Code Monkey”, “Mandelbrot Set”) but it hardly stops there. He's written love songs about mad scientists (“Skullcrusher Mountain”), local ho's (“The Town Crotch”) and even children's birthdays (“I'm Having A Party”), not to mention an evocative acoustic arrangement of Sir Mix-a-Lot's epic hit “Baby Got Back”, but for me this one takes the cake (which is, evidently, A Lie *nerd reference*). Because really, is there any better way to celebrate the warm weather when young men's thoughts turn to love than spreading out a picnic blanket and getting it on the way nature intended? I submit there is not.

STEPHEN LYNCH - D&D



Stephen Lynch is Adam Sandler on stage. No, really – the West Michigan drama graduate was tapped in 2006 to play Sandler's iconic role as Robbie Hart in the Broadway musical based on “The Wedding Singer”, but his comedy style lends itself well to the Sandler fanatics out there. His songs are a bizarre marriage of a powerful, dynamic voice and a fourth-grader's sense of toilet humor. Fans love his irreverent take on topics ranging from his relationship with his best friend Mark Teich (featured on the left in the video), the ins and outs of dating a Nazi (“Little Tiny Moustache”), religious musings on what the devil is really like (“My Name Is Satan”) and how much it must suck to be Jesus' brother (“Craig Christ”), and even the pain and devastation of fathering a deformed child (“Ugly Baby”). Suffice to say that, if you're attending one of Stephen's many, many shows throughout the year, you'd better leave your political correctness at the door. His ode to Dungeons and Dragons might strike a little too close to home for a guy like me, but thankfully, all those years of bullying have given me a thick skin. And Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but that's neither here nor there.


FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS – BUSINESS TIME



You'd think a band that bills themselves “formerly New Zealand's fourth-most popular guitar-based digi-bongo acapella-rap-funk-comedy folk duo” would be a little less well-known, but the fact is after years of touring, a radio show on the BBC and a TV show on Comedy Central, these charismatic Kiwis are about as well-known as guitar comedians are likely to get. As the only duo on this list, they bring something unique to the stage: I can tell you from experience that two guys writing is better than one guy writing (much as “two minutes in heaven are better than one minute in heaven”). Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement's writing might not be as clever as Coulton's or Lynch's, but their onstage presence and chemistry are unbeatable. Whether they're celebrating the ultimate victory of machines over man (“The Humans Are Dead”), spinning bedtime stories for children (“Albi The Racist Dragon”) or dealing with the troubles of our times (“Issues [Think About It]”) it's pretty clear nothing can keep this dynamic duo down. Not even being abysmally bad in bed, if the women in the front row of that show are any indicator.


ROB PARAVONIAN – CANON IN D



What's really funny about this tribute to the Nine Hundred Songs That Share The Same Chord Progression is that Rob Paravonian complains Pachelbel was a “one hit wonder” and then never released any more music. Okay, he released some, but not a hell of a lot – believe me, I checked. You see, as a musician I can genuinely relate to this song on a deep, personal level. The more you play covers in bars, the more you start to notice the patterns Paravonian pointed out: his montage barely scratched the surface. But for this reason, I'll admit I spent weeks sending this video to every musician I knew. They all agreed, predictably. So does Rob Paravonian really count as a guitar comic, or is he just another internet sensation that we'll never hear from again? Only time will tell – though I can wholeheartedly say I hope not everything he does from here on in consists of the same four chords.


BO BURNHAM – MY WHOLE FAMILY



Now this is the power of the internet at work. Bo Burnham is, quite literally, nobody – from nowhere. Until he discovers YouTube and starts posting hilariously tongue-in-cheek songs that give us an insider's look at a KKK Barbecue (“Cook Out”), provide an easy-to-understand explanation of mathematics that rivals Jonathan Coulton (“New Math”) and even invites us into a support group for Santa and Tony the Tiger, among others, to vent their frustrations (“Rehab for Fictional Characters”). It's genuinely pleasing to see a kid so young (he's 18) be as self-deprecating and honest even as he's making me giggle like one of his classmates – plus, he's a hell of a piano player. This might be the most controversial entry on this list, because Bo's stuff is very much an acquired taste, but thanks to the power of YouTube (twenty million hits to his page at last count) it looks like people the world over are jumping on that bandwagon. Now if only I could figure out how to make people's jokes about me into a six-figure salary – from the comfort of my freaking bedroom.


JON LAJOIE – EVERY DAY NORMAL GUY



I nearly forgot this guy, but thankfully my buddy Aizen called me on it before I sent this article to Van Der Sweet to be posted. By now everybody with an internet connection knows of Jon LaJoie, the visionary musician who brought us “Show Me Your Genitals”. The man's a poet on par with Cohen or Dylan – who else but a genius could bring us lines like “I can't have sex with your personality / and I can't put my penis in your college degree”? Okay, maybe he's not everybody's cup of tea, but you can't deny that the prepubescent in you giggles at his potty mouth and the disenfranchised adult in you genuinely relates to songs like Everyday Normal Guy. That's sort of the point, isn't it? Besides which, he scores high in two of the major selling categories on the Alex James scale of cool: he's Canadian, and he did a commercial espousing the benefits of Not Giving A Fuck. This man could be my soul mate.


So to all the aspiring comedians out there, I say this: yeah, you were cool for a while, but musicians are cooler – and now we're encroaching on your territory. Maybe Jay Leno should take up the tuba. Now that would be some funny shit.

Alex James is the head writer at State of Affairs, and can regularly be found hiding under your desk, recording your conversations and blackmailing you with the evidence later.

FOUR Musicians It Will be Cool to Hate 10 Years From Now - Posted by VIC DE ZEN

Admit it. Before it was frowned upon to like his music, you would catch yourself rhyming to Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby". Every once in a while you would catch yourself doing the typewriter dance to MC Hammers "U Can't Touch This". Or at least make a valiant effort. You would do the group dance routines in front of your mirror at home to New Kids on the Block or Backstreet Boys, and when you went to school you would be too ashamed to admit to your peers that you know every dance sequence they did from start to finish.

Nowadays, when any of these groups or musicians are brought up, you have to state vehemently that you never liked them from the start and you insist you knew they were going to become the jokes they are, for the most part, considered today. Why is this? Why have these former stars been deemed unfit to be considered "talented" now? I mean, the numbers speak for themselves. New Kids on the Block sold millions of records in their prime (22 million worldwide for their second album to be exact). Somebody liked them. To this day they are considered pioneers in their own right, and were the reasons for the "boy band" appeal that happened after them in the 90's and early 2000's. MC Hammer's album was the first Hip Hop album ever to achieve diamond status, and Vanilla Ice's video topped charts for a long period of time.

So again you gotta ask yourself the question. Why was it so uncool to like them then, and so cool to hate them now? Because even then when you were much younger than you are now, even if you may not act like it, you could pick out gimmicks and/or sell outs when you see one. No matter how naive we as the audience may be to music entertainment BUSINESS, we're not idiots. We know when we're being force-fed something to the point where it sticks with the masses, becoming all we are able to hear. That being said, every generation has those gimmicks/sellouts. The problem is sometimes, you can't necessarily pick out the ones who will be sellouts until it's too late and they've already sucked the energy out of you with their talentless acts. So here is where I'm going to try to help out to the best of my ability. I'm going to pick out those "talents" right now, and tell you the reasons why you should expect them to come up in conversations with your friends ten years from now as people they should never have given money to:

T-PAIN



Okay let me put this "debate" to bed: Auto tune is not here to stay. It will be deemed a fad and ten years from now, people will listen to albums where artists used auto tune extensively and think: "what the hell was I smoking to like this?". Kanye West's 808's and Heartbreaks and Lil Wayne's Rebirth album are officially put on notice. But the artist that will suffer most of all is T-Pain. Geez, is he ever annoying (but catchy) in no small thanks to his assistance in overusing auto tune. And like every fad that masks a lack of talent, it will not last. T-Pain's more recent music has him actually singing without the help of auto tune to assist him. But as you would figure, his voice just comes across as annoyingly whiny. If you're a betting man or woman, bet on T-Pain not making it through the next decade. Unless you catch one of his songs jokingly being rehashed in a karaoke bar.

LADY GAGA



This one's a tough one not only because of her current success, but because of her collaborations with talents that have shown staying power, such as Beyonce or Madonna. Aside from that, however, I would have said Lady Gaga would be a laughing stock by 2020. Of course if her current persona doesn't come down to earth she may become a laughing stock out of principle. Despite her talents, Lady Gaga comes across as somebody who is trying too hard, thus making her feel real gimmicky in a quirky, abstract sense. Don't get me wrong, I celebrate diversity and creativity, but when it's at a compromise of your God-given talents, it becomes an unnecessary crutch.

ADAM LAMBERT



Gene Simmons may have been on to something when he criticized Mr. Lambert for being too vocal about his sexual preference. Now my reasons for agreeing with this statement may be different from his: I do believe it is wholly unnecessary and, again while maintaining the overall theme of this article, gimmicky. There is nothing wrong with an individual being proud of his orientations, sexual or otherwise. But for Adam Lambert to do this, fresh off his journey on American Idol, in which he wasn't even successful might I add, he might as well be a complete stranger. How about you gain some notoriety through your music first before you proclaim your sexual preference to the world Adam? At this point nobody would care if you're gay OR straight. This is somebody I hope people will see through and be laughing at by 2020.

Lil John



It's actually a shame that people are already laughing at this one, given his importance to the emerging hip hop artists in Atlanta, but that's behind the scenes. What the general public sees of Lil Jon is a musician with little talent and lots of catch phrases: "Yeeaaa!", "Ookay!", "Wwhatt!?" Just a few of the words he was known to say in his token loud, annoying way. He was a producer first and an artist second, hence the reason you heard little from him, but fans nowadays and 5-10 years down the road will remember him for nothing more than silly catch phrases.

What about you? Who will you consider a joke when you're reminiscing about the music you used to listen to back in the good ol' days with your friends or your family? Who's silly facade will you see past? Believe me, there will be no shortage of options.